Quirkiness and Questioning.

I suck at blogging, which is sad because writing things out really helps me regain focus.  Maybe I'll make it my (nowhere close to) New Year's Resolution.  

I think God's been telling me to calm down and be patient for a while now, but I've been the little kid in the back seat asking when we're going to get to our destination.  Today He slapped me in the face.  It kind of started out as me just being confused.  I started an application to study abroad in Australia next fall, really just dreaming and weighing my options.  As I was sitting in the library staring at the essay questions I had no motivation to finish the application.  I made a list of reasons to go and reasons to stay.  Guess what?  It was a tie.  So of course, I told God I needed a deal breaker.  So what do I get in return?  A reason.  However, I have no idea if it fits in the "Reasons to Stay" or "Reasons to Go" category.  Thanks God.  I got it.  Patience.  I understand.  That was after lunch, it is now 5 o'clock and things seem a tad bit clearer.  Studying abroad is now on hold.  I feel like God picked up my lists, crumbled them up, and threw them away.  Making lists of "reasons" is so much easier than just waiting on God to work things out.  I used to be the frustrated Christian when I had no patience.  The one who just got edgy when things didn't happen.  Now Im the nagging daughter.  The one who constantly whines and asks questions; I drive myself crazy.  I feel like Im running at my top speed and going nowhere, and I just end up tired and on empty.  Someday I'll stop going and circles though....until then:  "Be patient towards all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves.  Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given to you because you would not be able to live them.  The point is to live everything.  Live the questions." -Rainer Maria Rilke